From “Why” to “How”

I

Usually, we ask someone “why?” to fill the gap in our understanding.

At the same time, asking “why?” may elicit a defensive reaction. Thus, they may respond with a list of evidence, or rationalizations, in support of their behavior.

Further, asking “why?” may leave both parties emotionally hung-over (ie. feeling judged, untrustworthy).

II

If “why?” raises someone’s guard, then “how?” lowers it.

Consider the difference between “why did you do this?” and “how did you do this?”

When we ask someone “how?” we invite them to teach us.

Thus, they may respond by describing their process, challenges they encountered, solutions attempted, even insights from conversations with others. Their response may also reveal blindspots, assumptions, beliefs, even habits.

Further, asking “how?” leaves both parties with a lasting positive effect (ie. discovery, awe), and closer connection (ie. appreciation, gratitude).

III

Asking ourselves “how?” may also be revelatory.

Consider the difference between “why did I do that?” and “how did I get here?”

With the former, we set the stage for self-judgment and self-flagellation. We remain stuck in our negative self-talk, without reflection or learning.

With the latter, we invite curiosity and creativity. We reflect, and learn what to do differently in the future. We also convert our challenge into an opportunity for creative solutions.

IV

When we ask others and ourselves “how?” we evolve.

We move beyond our impulse to judge. And, move closer to developing our understanding of others and ourselves.

When we think “why?” may it serve as our signal to curiously ask “how?”